


Noise, Noise, Noise

by peternurphy



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Grad School AU, M/M, based off an xkcd comic, relationship isn't the main part of the story but, totally wasn't listening to the reanimator theme while writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-13
Updated: 2015-05-13
Packaged: 2018-03-30 10:59:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3934279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peternurphy/pseuds/peternurphy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes when working in a lab, your collaborator doesn't show up. Sometimes, a decent looking elf shows up instead. Sometimes, you and the elf have to deal with the Patient Zero you accidentally created.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Noise, Noise, Noise

**Author's Note:**

> Fuck this is the first LotR fanfiction I've ever written. 
> 
> Inspired by this xkcd comic: https://xkcd.com/734/

Gimli would wager he’s been in the lab for 3 weeks straight to create a molecule that would at least bind to the receptors in Tauriel’s proteins to keep it from falling apart. Then another 2 weeks to keep it from negating any reaction whatsoever with the cell samples. But at the end of the month, he’s certain he’s ready to test it.

That is, if Tauriel would answer her fucking phone.

She’s a bioengineer, he’s a chem engineer. Kili hooked them up - Gimli had always considered doing something biological, and Tauriel had said she lacked expertise at a chemical level. And so they teamed up on a project to develop a new chemical to slow the decomposition of brain matter after death. Her name and ears told him why she was so fixated on this idea - of course, Gimli didn’t care too much, since it seemed an interesting project to take on.

The Osgiliath University lab is expecting a delivery from the hospital morgue at 5:30 pm. They’d discussed and planned this beforehand, and if this doesn’t happen, they’ll have to wait another month. Now it’s 5 pm. She hasn’t responded to any of his texts, or calls, or voicemails, or emails. He’s tried the pager she has for some reason. At this point it’s too late to leave to go to her apartment, but he doesn’t want to betray her and test the chemical without her. He was far too rude to her in the beginning due to her elven nature, and he doesn’t want her to think he’s a complete ass.

The cadaver arrives at 5:35 pm. Gimli stores it in the freezer and calls Tauriel again, to no avail. 

“It’s here - I don’t want to start the process without you but I don’t think we should wait the month. At least text me back.”

He drops the phone next to his coffeecup and paces the lab. He’s beginning to wonder if she’s dead. Kili’s out of town, and he has no idea who Tauriel’s friends are. Probably elves. Nobody he knows is close enough to Tauriel to tell him where she is, and he doesn’t want to leave his work to go find someone outside the lab. He swears and kicks a table leg, but it gets him no closer to Tauriel and only hurts his foot.

Then the door opens. Gimli turns to look and to greet Tauriel, but it’s not Tauriel. It’s some guy - blonde hair braided behind pointed ears, loose green sweater, floral Doc Martens. While cute, he’s so elven that it’s physically painful for Gimli. He sighs.

“Tauriel was in a car accident, so she’s in the hospital. She told me to tell you to go on with the tests, since the application period is so long or whatever.” The elf looks uninterested.

 

Gimli stares at him. “Is she alright?”

“Yeah.” He shrugs and sits down in a chair by the table. “What are you working on?”

The elf receives a disdainful look. “You probably won’t understand any of it.” Gimli searches through the drawers for a syringe needle of suitable length, and the other part of the serum.

“Someone smart is able to explain themself to any layman, meluion.”

He wants to ask the elf what the fuck that last word is supposed to mean, but he holds his tongue. “We’re working on a chemical to slow down brain decomposition after death.” 

The elf gives a slow clap. “Good job.”

“There’s a cadaver in the freezer. Once I finish this…” Gimli stirs the beaker. The substance inside has turned a bright, fluorescent green color, and the elf leans in to look closer. “If you touch anything, I swear to Aule I will…” He trails off, concentrating on drawing the liquid to the 50 milliliter mark of the syringe. The needle is longer than his forearm. He looks at the elf. “Go into the freezer and get the body for me, will you?” The last part is sarcastic.

“I thought you told me not to touch anything.”

“You know what I meant.”

He gets up and rolls the gurney to Gimli. Gimli pulls on a pair of latex gloves and hands them to the elf. “You’re going to have to hold the head to the side,” he says, and the elf pales.

“Is that necessary?”

It’s not, but Gimli wants to make him squirm. “Hold it to the side, and keep it still.” The elf squeezes his lips together and his eyes as shut as he can while he holds the head of the cadaver to the side. Gimli wipes off part of the neck with an alcohol swab and inserts the needle. 

Slowly the syringe empties, and the skin near the base of the head seems to be tinged green. The elf turns his head. He looks greener than the serum. Gimli finishes the injection and stands back, and the head is unceremoniously flopped onto the table.

“Now what,” he says, in a breathy voice. All the color has left his already pale face. 

“I record data and compare it to the controls. What did you think, it was going to get up and dance?”

The elf mutters something and shrugs. Gimli turns to retrieve the laser to observe the brain. It’s been buried behind Tauriel’s petri dishes in the cabinet, and as he carefully moves the dishes to the above shelf, he lets out a string of curses in Khuzdul. He grabs a petri dish labelled “BOTULISM - DO NOT EAT” and steps onto the ladder, when he hears a clatter and a loud growl.

“Ai!”

The incredibly toxic bacteria hits the floor and Gimli whirls around. The gurney is empty, the cadaver is standing up, and has a hand wrapped around the screaming elf’s wrist. The elf draws a fist back.

“Stop!” Gimli roars, “Don’t punch it!”

“Why on Arda not?”

“Tauriel used lyssavirus protein! It’s entirely possible you’ll end up the same!”

“It’s contagious?!”

The elf flings his knee sharply into the corpse’s crotch and breaks away, moving towards Gimli. “It wasn’t supposed to get up!”

“But it did, didn’t it! What are we supposed to do now?” 

The cadaver has a black substance spilling from its mouth and nose and growls loudly as it stumbles towards them. It’s just fast enough to be dangerous. Gimli rolls the gurney at it and it collapses, but begins to crawl. “We’re going to have to kill it!”

“Okay, do you have a gun?”

“Why would someone keep a gun in a biology lab?”

“You need a contingency plan if you’re going to be raising the dead!”

“I wasn’t trying to raise any dead!”

The cadaver gets up onto its feet. The elf grabs a bottle of chloroform and throws it, and it glances off the head. “That was expensive!” protests Gimli.

“We’re being attacked by the walking dead, dwarf! Dhôl chîn nâ lost!”

“Imrid amrâd ursul!”

The cadaver begins to climb over the gurney that separated it from them, and the elf and the dwarf both scream. Gimli grabs a tray and hits the cadaver in the face with it, then grabs the elf and pulls him to the side of the room while its stalled. “The closet there is open - we push it in with the gurney!” The elf nods to Gimli’s plan and runs to the side of the door, and Gimli grabs the gurney and rolls it through the door. “QUICK! Igritu zû!”

The elf slams the door shut, and leans against it, panting. “Now what?”

“We have to destroy it.”

“How?”

Gimli frowns. “It’s not like there are weapons in the lab. I’d try and set it on fire, perhaps.” There’s an extinguisher in the corner and enough of these chemicals are flammable. He turns to the elf. “You gotta light?”

“No - but I have a bow and arrows in my car. We can shoot it through the head.”

“Elves!”

“What else are we supposed to do?”

Gimli grunts. “Get the arrows - go quick. It’s trying to break through the door.” He’s moving everything heavy he can find in front of the door - but of course, most of the shelves and furniture are bolted to the wall or floor. “Go!”

It takes ten minutes for the elf to return, and there’s a pile of textbooks stacked in front of the door. “It was all I could find,” Gimli explains before the elf can make any comment, and kicks them aside. The elf perches on one of the tables and draws the bow. Gimli breathes deeply as he turns the handle on the door, then flings it open.

The arrow flies through the air and pierces through the eye, and the tip penetrates the back of the skull. The cadaver falls. “Top five percentile of Gondor archers,” He brags, but it comes through breathy and nervous. Gimli can’t blame him. He steps from behind the door.

“Nice job,” He admits. He’s just glad that the corpse is down.

“Tauriel never gave me your name - I’m Legolas. Currently studying environmental law. And you are…?”

“Gimli Glóinson. Chemical engineering.”

“That sounds interesting - perhaps you could tell me more about it over dinner?”

“I-” Gimli catches on. “Aye. Let’s.”

**Author's Note:**

> meluion = sweetie, lit. “Sweet one”, Sindarin   
> Dhôl chîn nâ lost = “your head is empty”, Sindarin  
> Imrid amrâd ursul = “die a death of flames”, Khuzdul  
> igritu zû! = “do it now!”, Khuzdul


End file.
